I went trail running near my house that I lived in while married which is where my ex and kids still reside. As I drove out of the canyon, I must have been super tired from the run or was in a time-warped daze, because I took a left towards my old house as if I was driving “home” when I should have taken a right towards my place.
After a few minutes of driving, I realized where I was headed. I had to pull over and pause…Wow.
I turned on my blinker, made a slow U-turn, and drove in the opposite direction towards my townhouse. Old habits die hard, I guess. For a tiny moment, I was anticipating me pulling up to my home knowing my kids were inside. My daughter would be doing homework and my son would be practicing his piano. But they weren’t expecting me because I don’t live there anymore. It was like time jolted me back to 2011 and then shocked me back to 2014.
And for some reason, it was a quiet, sad drive home. Not sure what any of that meant, but after two and a half years of being divorced, I still get a sliver of sadness that it didn’t work out and that my little family is split up. While I stared at the road ahead, I turned off whatever music was playing and became lost in thought and realized that I had to come clean with myself.
I made loads of mistakes while married. It wasn’t all her. I was careless and clueless at times and inexperienced as a young, married man. I hurt her a lot. We fought a lot. Two stubborn people; both with the debating skills of a New York City defense attorney. As the years stumbled on, I learned what my love language was (and still is) and how we spoke different love languages, lived in separate love cities, love states, love continents, and came from opposite ends of the love universe.
It’s interesting when you make the turn around that long bend in your life to see a whole new landscape ahead of you and things become clear. Your focus suddenly sharpens and your vision is honed and fine tuned. I want to be married again. I want someone’s eyes to widen, someone’s mouth to smile, and someone’s arms to stretch open when we meet after being away for 8 hours.
I’m somewhat embarrassed that there is a little bit of desperation between the lines and letters. Aren’t we all a tad desperate to be loved and love someone? What if I replaced the word, “desperate” with “eager”. Yeah, I like eager. Nothing wrong with having a little fire in your step when you know what you want.
Maybe when the planets have aligned, the stars are in sync, and the universe is in perfect balance, my vision of coming home to someone who is “home”, will actually play itself out. And instead of a mistaken left turn to my old life, I will eagerly take a right and finally make that drive home. Now that would be a wonderful drive…
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